“Answer honestly”: what do they really want to hear from us?


Perhaps our desire to tell the truth hides ambivalent intentions. How to understand yourself and not to hurt others?

“I want to hear everything you think about it, say frankly!”

Tämä on erityisen tärkeää, jos aiot harrastaa seksiä ulkona. Ei kovin jännittävä nähdä hyttyset ja lentää valitsemasi ruumiissa. Suihkutauhut hyönteistä ennen vaatteiden poistamista. Sen haju voi tietenkin tappaa kaiken romanssin, joten on parempi käyttää näitä naisen viagra karkotuksia – öljyöljyä ja laventelia. Haju on miellyttävämpi, ja haluttu ilmapiiri auttaa luomaan.

– a friend asked me in the hope that I will help her clarify a difficult love situation. I had no doubt about her sincerity, but still tried to speak out carefully and even vaguely, and I kept silent about some thoughts.

I did not want a recent case with my second cousin to be repeated. She also asked for advice. She seemed to see my benevolence … But she took directness as sharpness, and my advice was like interference in her life. And she said that she no longer wants to talk to me. Then I remembered the conversation for hours, inventing how I could explain everything to her.

How frankness differs from rudeness? Can care lead to violation of the boundaries?

Where is this measure, where the limits of honesty. I pondered these issues from all sides until it was possible to ask them to family psychologist Elena Ulitova.

“It seems to me that“ correct ”honesty is primarily honesty with yourself,” our expert is sure. – It is possible if we take into account that our feelings can be dual. Love is sometimes mixed with hatred, pity, anger … Our desire to help a loved one sometimes hides less noble intentions. If we notice this in ourselves, we will no longer be so surprised that we are misunderstood or even accused of intervention “.

How so? Stop asking for advice – and give advice? Be silent about his opinion? It seems to me that if we have close, trusting relationships with someone, then we can speak freely … But at the same time, we most often lose sight of our unconscious, Elena Ulitova clarifies: “Consciously we can have the most good intentions, openly informing the neighbor for someInformation, criticizing or giving advice, unconsciously – to desire to gain power over it or alleviate conscience. In addition, the interlocutor also has an unconscious “.

So his attitude towards us can also be ambivalent. How else does it see us what place takes us in his life? We do not know this. Therefore, in personal affairs, as in professional, it is best to first examine the soil and find out that the other is ready to perceive.

Everyone has its own truth

But still-what to do if I think that my frankness, hitting a friend at the first moment, will subsequently serve his interests? Speak directly or create a situation in which he will ask a question or guess himself? Take, for example, knowledge of the adultery in a couple of friends. Whether to tell about it? I would probably prefer the bitter truth, if only not to be a victim of deception.

“Now you say that, but deep down you know nothing about it,” the psychologist notes. – Perhaps, being in this position, you prefer to stay in ignorance. Imagine the action of other people’s words that break your picture of the world and familiar feelings – isn’t it akin to violence?

Perhaps these words will force you to act in spite of a deep desire

Except when you are treating a direct request (“Tell me, I am ready, I want to know”), I think you would be grateful for respect for your personal life and for the fact that the other leaves knowledge with you. Let’s recall the words of Fedor Tyutchev: “Thought is dictated is a lie”. Our words reflect our reality, but they can be deciphered differently by the listener “.

He may have another picture of the situation than the one we tried to describe in words. So, the message “Your mother got into an accident” can immediately cause the thought of her death and lead to shock.

We must show delicacy: no need to plug a mouth for any reason, but you need to remember the border separating the honesty from the invasion of someone else’s life.

“Of course, there are situations when it comes to a threat to life or health, physical or mental,” says Elena Ulitova. – For example, you heard a friend, a teenager, expresses suicidal intentions. This should be informed to a friend, despite the fact that it will hurt this to hear it. But even in this case, you need to carefully choose the time of the message and the form in which you will make it “.


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